Burned Art

so the oven story goes like this...

My weeks have been filled with my husband being home...a lot. Usually, he spend the evenings at the "Boys Club" drinking beer in the clubhouse and have contests with that used beer. Let's face it, when guys drink, they get kinda' gross. (Did you see the Real Housewives of New Jersey last night??? There was some proof of drunk men being out-of-their minds gross. When that new dude smelled between his wife's toes, I about ran to the trash can...yuck and what was he thinking??)

Larry has lost the clubhouse. The head boy passed away. Dale was 68 and in very poor health. He had only half of both lungs due to smoking 6 packs a day. I did not even know there was time enough in a day to do that. He passed away in his sleep and very peacefully. Larry had taken him the Thursday before to have a chemo port put in his chest. Larry spent the day and night, went back for 2 days and spent hours making sure he was ok. The day Larry stayed home and did not go, Dale passed away. The clubhouse closed 2 nights later with a final toast to his best buddy. All the boys came down and had a fine time. I know because I tried to have a conversation with Larry when he got home. He started snoring before I finished my thought. His words upon entering the house was something to the effect of, "gakreileblblbl and then we'uns had a bear just one but then we lvjfhdkjg." That is the most I can translate that episode.

So, he has been home every single evening of every single day roaming around the house. He is lost and his routine changed. Men don't deal with change at all so, when the golf buddies ask him to go on a gulf fishing trip, I could not say yes fast enough. He started to back out but I pack his bag for him. He left on a Thursday at 9 am and I was a free woman for 4 days!

The first day was uneventful except for the wine tasting that night. It was at my house and I cleared out the frig and the wine rack. I was celebrating my induction into the office of 4th Vice President if the women's club. Yay--until 10 pm when the headache and indigestion hit. I don't think the 4 kinds of wine was a great idea for dinner. Somewhere in there I think fish sticks were involved along with 2 burritos. I swore off wine right then and there. That was easy because I had no more wine and I sure wasn't getting dress to go get any that late at night.

And, that is when I decided to clean the oven. I have done this for 30 years and even taught a course related to managing your home appliances. I threw that lever and set it to clean and was very proud of myself. I drank an Alka-Seltzer and roamed off to bed. I thought I was doing myself a big favor because when we tried to clean it with Larry home, he started yelling about the fire in the oven. Big deal, sweetie, it is a s e l f -cleaning oven, you goof. (I have a lot of conversations in my head when I drink. I am always right--in my head.)

Then, thinking I was going to drift off to a sound sleep and awake with a really clean oven, I put my head upon my pillow. My eyes shot open and I guess the wine had worn off. I was wide awake. I tried to find something to watch on tv and started with the "Did I lock the door?" "Why is it so hot in here tonight??" "You better get up and check on the door." dialog.

Good thing I did...the oven was lit up like a broadway stage! I thought 'how pretty!' and immediately felt the heat. It was so hot the bedroom was a nice 80 degrees. The oven was getting close to about 1,200 degrees. It usually goes to 900 degrees to clean and some little fires are to be expected but, this was scary hot.

I turned the knob to off and through the window watched the light show. The bottom element was sizzling like a sparkler--you know--the fireworks thing we loved as a kid. I was mesmerized until I realized that I had cut the power - or so I thought. The thing was still beat red on one half and sparkling. (see picture above)

I run out to the garage and try to get to the breaker only 5, yes 5, sets of golf clubs are in my way along with a cooler of beer (score!). Now, if you know my husband you know he is about 2 steps from being on the show Horders: Buried Alive. I have relegated him to the garage and his office. When he leaves for the day (or week) I clean out and throw away. A week trip I can get rid of half of his 70's Qiana Shirts and fake gold chains. (True story--he asked where they were when we moved 12 years ago. Really? You thought they were coming back in 1999??)

Anyway, I climbed over stuff, threw stuff outta' the way like I was a super-heroine (not the beer--makes it spew and I was going to need one pretty soon when the house burned down) and grabbed the breaker. Yea! I saved the house! When I went back in the red glow was gone and no more sparks...the show was over.

I got up for the next 3 hours to go touch the stove and see if it was cooling down. Nope, not yet (3 am head talk) and finally decided to sleep. By the next morning is was cool to the touch and I could unlock it. See, the engineering of the 'lock' during self cleaning is to prevent drunks from opening the door and burning up. It worked for me, that's all I'm sayin'.

I peer inside and touch the element with a wooden spoon and I got what you see above--free art! It has this weird coarse salt texture and is kind of a great structural piece, huh? And, for nothing.

Well, except the cost of a new stove. So, that means I have a$850 piece of one of a kind art work.

That is just like they had on The Apprentice recently! I should show it to the Donald when I apply for that show. Some day they will open the auditions up to old ladies who think they can rule the world and I will win the sucker. Yeah, and the charity money thing with ALL the cash?? No way. I want some cash in my pocket. I have to buy a new stove!

ps...turns out it was all my fault. Blackberries have a lot of sugar in them and my 'diet' cobbler spill over about a week ago. I forgot about the huge mound of burnt sugar and did not scrape it out before cleaning. One more thing--Larry will NEVER know this. I told him there was a short in the oven and he bought it hook, line and sinker (fishing trip--get it??) due to the fact that his 4 days with 4 guys on a trip involved 4 cases of beer. See? Beer is good. Wine is bad.