How to Dislocated Your Jaw while Mowing the Yard

I will give you 2 very easy steps for dong this....

1. Tell yourself that even though you have not 'done' the yard in 5 years, that you are physically able and will build strength and endurance as the summer goes on. Make yourself believe that you are 25 years old. Dethatch the yard as it is good for the abs and gives you plenty of time to cuss your husband for never catching the clippings for 5 years and causing 2 inches of said thatch. Swear that when you do the yard, you will bag all the clippings. And no matter what, never give up even if you are bleeding profusely from your chin.

2. Let the yard go for 2 weeks of really hard, never ending rain. Do NOT mow even if there is a break in the rain. But DO fertilize since the rain is every day.

You may ask, how does this dislocate your jaw. Is it due to the cussing of your husband for his lazy ass ways? No, my friend it does not. Although, it does relieve the clenching of the jaw.

Does the clenching cause the dislocation? No, it does relax you so you are in a Zen like state while mowing pretty patterns in the yard.

Does making the pretty patterns and turning of the mower cause you to fall and hit your jaw? No, but it does get the creative side out. And, then you stand back and admire what you have done.

So, is it God getting you because you are being prideful? No.

It is being stubborn and trying to prove your point to a man...that is how I did it.

There is a wedding in Vegas coming up and I have decided to look 'younger' and have some chemical peels (trust me, this is part of the story). This is because I have adult acne and some weird skin thing called skin lichen. Chemical peels will help immensely, so I was told. And, they did. Except for what they don't tell you...

They don't tell you that you will be burning 7 layers off your face. They don't tell you that the acid (hydrochloric and stink-ah-e) will actually penetrate down to the bone and literally sizzle your skin off your face. It will do this especially if you have 'new' skin healing over wounds.

My eyebrow that has the skin lichen (which, btw makes the eyebrow hair fall out--no doctor told me that side effect) literally went to the bone with the acid sizzle due to the fragile skin. I finally get that on the healing road 6 weeks before the wedding in Vegas. yea! I will be 'pretty'!

Ah, but no! I have to be a fool in the yard. Now, I have a sore jaw and no skin on my chin.

This is how I did it. I mowed the yard. After the torrents of rain. After the fertilizing during the torrents of rain. And, while it was wet.

Me and my stubborn 'I have to prove you wrong, Larry' ways made me bag that mulchy, wet, heavy grass. I did great all through the back yard (literally 3 bags of clippings) and most of the front (5 bags). I stopped every pass to empty the catch bag. For some reason, I decided that I could go 3 passes since I was almost done and the passes were getting smaller in my creative 'flag' design.

I stop by the HUGE pile of clippings to empty the thing but the grass is stuck. Nothing will come out. I break a little free with my hand and assume (there in lies the problem) that the rest will come out with a little shake.

Now, 2 months of mowing and thatching has cause some upper body strength I did not know I have. Two month of chemical peels has thinned my skin way out (that is how the wrinkles go I discovered; you have no skin). That was the cause of this injury.

Before I know it, I am flat on my ass on the parkway. I had seen it all happen in slow motion. Really, it was like I knew it was coming and I could not stop it.

I give the catch bag one good shake. Due to my new upper body strength, I shook so hard that my body convulsed bringing my chin down and the bag up to make a p e r f e c t connection.

It literally knocked me on my ass. I am looking around to see if anyone is going to make $10,000 off that video. Whew--no one is outside and I am a little woosy. Man, I was sweating so I take the tail of my shirt to wipe my neck. Is it really that hot out here?

No. It was blood. what the hell...? OMG I have hit my chin, split it open and I am going to bleed to death.* I dress and, of course, shower and they bleeding kind of slows. I get to the emergency clinic to have a stitch put in my chin.

doc: "I can't do a stitch."

me: " Listen, I can sew. Just give me the needles and deaden me up."**

doc: "I can sew just not this. I need the skin. Where is it?***"

me: "WHATsputttersputter‰!!!&^%($) are you talking about?!"

doc: "Well, at least it is jagged so it will heal pretty good and maybe no scar. By the way, I think your jaw is outta' whack...(screams made by me) Yep. It sure is."

I got my pain medication, stopped at Kroger for a bottle of wine and made it home.

*The doctor informed my that I would not bleed to death from a face injury...they just bleed a lot.

**obviously delusional at this point

***GROSS ALERT!! I found the lost skin on the bag.

I finally had to tell Larry. He did not laugh. He made no comment. Bless his heart. Of course, it is hard to comment you you are sound asleep. If he were conscious, I would never live this down. What is funny is he never asked about the huge bandage on my chin.

I wonder if there is a video somewhere....

Me - 0 / lawnmower - 1